Defensive Detachment and Mentors
October 19, 2008
I now have recruited 4 mentors for myself. I am really quite impressed with myself, and amazed that these men are keen to support me and encourage me in my life. Now comes the scarey part - taking advantage of what these men have to offer me. I am aware that I am likely to be ambivalent. I know I need what these men offer, but I am also scared of receiving it. My therapist said “Once you start getting what you really want, it will initially hurt.” I think this will be true. In terms of homosexuality, many people write of defensive detachment. I know that I have defensively detached from the men in my life and specifically the older men in my life. Gaining mentors is an attempt to proactively attach and challenge this defensive detachment. I must pursue it, and not give up. Already I feel temptation to pull back, but I must address this, express it to my mentors and push through it.
Posted in My Life, The Church, Theory
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October 19th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Luke - I think mentoring is key in the whole healing process.
I need you to be much more detailed than you are at the moment. So for example, can you explain - why did you choose them men who you did? How were/are they ’salient’ for you? How long have they agreed to mentor you for? Are they supervised or trained in any way? Are they all OSA or are some SSA? What did you say to them when you approached them - how come they weren’t spooked?
October 19th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Hi Markus - I’m happy to clarify for you. Three of the men are in my men’s group and so they know all about my stuff - although one of these guys I don’t want to mentor me and will need to communicate this at some point even though he would like to do it. They are all OSA. The other guy is my therapist’s husband. So, he certainly has a good understanding of what’s needed. Additionally I am planning a conference call with them all and my therapist to explain mentoring and my needs more clearly - also to give some teaching on SSA for them.
In terms of how I approached them - well I just stepped out one night at my men’s group and asked for what I wanted. These men stepped forward and said they’d be willing to discuss mentoring with me.
I feel quite amazed at how this has come about. Now I need to ensure I don’t step back from them all.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
Luke,
Good job on taking this step and challenging your defensive detachment. It would be great to hear how these relationships go, and if/how you sense your defensiveness fade.
Are you being mentored over certain topics (auto repair, athletics, carpentry, etc) or is it more general?
Men love to teach other men what they’ve learned. This is a great way to connect with men and find healing. I wish you the best.
Dave O