My Men’s Group
October 7, 2008
I’m involved in a men’s group - we do “men’s work”, which involves being open and authentic with each other. It also involves a commitment to work on the dark sides/ shadows in our lives. We do this through various processes involving emotional identification and release.
Anyway, I don’t want to get bogged down in definition. I simply wanted to comment on how much I enjoy my men’s group. It is NOT specifically for men seeking to deal with unwanted SSA. It is for any man seeking to truly “wake up” and live his life. There are “gay-identified” men in my group, and “straight” men in the group, and they are all accepting of me in my desire to change from homosexuality. Some may not agree that it is possible, but the reality, openness and vulnerabilty in the group permits us all to accept where we’re at.
I truly feel like I belong in this group of men, even being the newest and youngest member. They know me, they support me, and they love me. Everyone needs men like these in their lives.
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April 5th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I am an 18 year old with ambivalence toward the already going change towards growing from ssa to heterosexuality but in my belief a more meaningful life of holiness. I found your website at a time in my life where i have had just about a literal thread of hope that I could change to heterosexuality. I am actually really happy to find your website. It gives me hope and after all the psychologists with masters degrees and phd’s i have found something that can help me with my struggle more than any knowledge they have given me about unwanted ssa. I want to tell you a little bit about me before I get into what you have helped me to find. at 15 and a half i realized one day as i was smoking my daily marijauna puffs to mask emotional pain from my angry mom (and affecting my pleasure sensories in my brain), I had a sincerely unexpected thought. This thought was not homosexually erotic, but it was just the “idea” or maybe even a nano second flicker of an erotic male body image. This got me and my sharp intuitiveness worried about the plans i had of being a man with a family and children. I planned to be “happy”. Ever since that day my days have darkened like a cloud of anticipation and hopelessness. Well, I would be lying to say that all my days since then have been this way. In fact, my days since then have been the most extremely profound parts of my life. Just the fact of knowing the truth about the fluidity of sexuality was the first galactic blip in my mind’s unexpected journey. First i started with google because it researches well and gives the benefit of learning what you specifically desire to learn about. I typed in “I dont want to be gay”. Suprisingly, the first link was a piece of literature about some folks who experimented with electro shock therapy and homosexuals to help them change. With my severely niave thoughts i thought “sure if i dont have to be gay then yeah maybe ill do that”. Hope was really nonexistent though. Then i found richard cohens site. There was this “surge” of hope. I felt heterosexual already! The constant banging of shame in my brain related to homosexual thoughts (that were getting ready to develop in my mind more intense and frequent) for about 2 weeks was like a dance of freedom. I met a girl and said yeah ill date her, I may be able to be straight! After the two weeks I definitely went down into a destructive depression. I made out with that girl alot and was pretty fake to her about who i was as a man, but then my sexual attraction for women i have had since i was a preteen to teenager had slowly disintegrated in my head. How dissapointing huh? Im not going to tell you my life story but let me skip a few chapters beforehand. I just want to explain my sincere gratefulness for the information on your blog. My childhood sounded like this everday with a drunken mother screaming “Your just like your father! You got an attitude! Your such an asshole! Whats wrong with you!!!”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of0C6AjnNu8& Well that was most of my childhood, was hearing that. And doing this ;( at least 3-4 times or more a week. So obviously i was traumatized emotionally from all the yelling and screaming. The only other hallmark was mother pleasing straight A’s (even though i still didnt measure up) and obbsession to the metal band korn’s music (but more accurately an emotional envy of them because of my psychological inclinations of having emotional father hunger mixed with self pitying towards the “gloom and doom of things” which was perpetuated by the seemingly apathetic music korn played). Anyway, back forward, I began my intellectual journey on a message board on peoplecanchange.com where I got information from men who were 40 years old saying “Oh us guys wish we could change at your age.” “All the men here wish they could be your age and undo all the years of ____” I thought boy i missed a potential shotgun bullet there, but how do i do this change…
I got my answer from a counselor I scheduled, who happened to be my dads old counselor. At this time i was moved out from my moms and in my dad with his wife and step sister (whose poisonous resentments i have towards continue to purge through my viens painfully). Through some counseling i began sticking up for my heart and saying things that didnt seem to make sense at that time like “When you said this i felt hurt” or “Could you find a better way to say that dad?” Boy talk about rocking the boat. Mix a nonmasculine good little boy with some tyrannical and violent emotionally controlling bullies, and you get bull on the parade. They emotionally battered me up while that step sister treated me with worth as much as kitty vomit. Already in much groaning from emotional/psychological pain about the relationship with my mother, whose nuclear bombs were always unexpected but definitely predictable at the same time, I chose to continue counseling hoping for change. Little did I really know that my motivation would become so ambivalent. My secret motives of doing it so my family wouldnt have to deal with a fag in the family or friends at school would beat me up, did not last as long as id hoped. Just expirimenting to change was more motivating but not long lasting as other impure motives. The story gets better, and fuller of riches in my own beliefs. Maybe you dont believe in god but thats ok i dont want to discount your beliefs. I do believe in god. Anyway, so through continued counseling, seminar attending, an unexpected death of my step mother, authentic and passionate brotherly love, then years of growing more and more with new experiences and an ever changing and molding heart (and “becoming” more spiritually centered), and emotionally battered up by my critical and narcissistic father who gets pleasure out of me feeling weak…. Here I am! But that motivation of pleasing others did not last long. Ive been thinkin well maybe i could study if people can actually facilitate their own motivation! Suprisingly i found MET which is motivational enhancement therapy which with the transtheoretical theory of stages such as contemplation and action, I thought about half a thread of hope was there for continueing the beautiful journey ive found… Hearing about hope was like a lying word to me for the last month… Evangelicals and their preaching of the possibility of “eternal life” and me thinking oh well i guess im just not motivated enough to go to heaven. My biblical counselor thinks im just thinkin too much. What am i to do since all this backsliding is happening and never stops… Well your testimony touched me in a new way today. I am very lucky to find your blog. Your testimony speaks of 8 years of your own ambivalence. Are you like me and know that change is possible but dammnit why wont i just implement these damn tools! I find myself tempted more powerfully by ssa thoughts, food compulsion, and unhealthy relating to others. Your story of how incantations helped you develop life lasting motivations is the words i was looking for! Now i dont have to be half hearted just like you said. I trust that these incantations will work for me. Well i realize i have given several pieces of my life to you, a stranger. I know that men with unwanted same sex attraction share a bond of experiencing such a lonely, difficult, but yet ass kicking journey through the controversial multitudes chanting “Youll always be gay”. Anyway, id like you to tell me more about incantations and who i could talk to about them. I want to know more. Your website may be the thread of hope i was looking for. Take care.-Brandon