A few weeks ago I saw a news report on ABC news. I thought I would share it with you and I found the video on their website. The report is entitled “Can Someone’s Sexual Preference be Changed?” I found it an interesting report especially in today’s political climate. It truly attempted to be unbiased and show both sides, although the usual party line of news broadcasters does find its way in there. Regardless, I am still pleased to find the question it poses being raised at all in the media, rather than being considered a closed, decided question. For those who don’t know, it is far from a decided question. There is evidence of change being possible, but this is rarely put forward by the media, and hence people doubt that such evidence exists. Anyway, I’ll let the news report speak for itself. Here it is:
…Ok, I tried to enbed this video, but I haven’t had any luck. Here’s the link to the transcript and to the video:
By the way, I am progressing back from being sidetracked (see previous post). It’s not easy but I am learning about myself in the process, and understanding better some of my deep emotional needs that were unmet as a kid.
I have just read an article on the PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) website. It was called “Tolerance of Ex-Gays” and was a call to extend tolerance to the ex-gay community. Ex-gay being regarded as those people who have decided to leave homosexuality and pursue heterosexuality. So, in those terms I am such a person. Although I don’t like labels generally!
Anyway, I found the article very interesting and considered. It describes how the media and society in general fail to acknowledge discrimination against ex-gays. Those who identify as ‘gay’ have all the support and weight of the media and government behind them to uphold their rights and to encourage tolerance. Yet, those men and women who have turned from the homosexual lifestyle are instead ridiculed and sidelined, and tolerance for them is not promoted nor bearly considered.
Some worthy statements from the article are the following:
The demonization of ex-gays by gays themselves is a sad end to the long struggle for tolerance by the gay community. That ex-gays and their supporters are now oppressed by the same people who until recently were victimized themselves, demonstrates how far the gay rights movement has come.
and
Ex-gays and their supporters should not have to be closeted for fear of other’s negative reactions or disapproval. They do not think something is wrong with them because they decided to fulfill their heterosexual potential. Nor do they believe others should condemn them for the personal decision they have made for their lives.
I feel these comments are right on the mark. I have had little encouragement in my pursuit of change. Few people take the time to understand my decision, and many consider me naive or deceived. I am neither of these. I am simply a man who has made a decision based on the available evidence. I am pursuing restoration of my sexuality. I am pressing through to the life that various incidents and pains have tried to rob me of. I choose not to give in, but to press on.
Many people think that homosexuality is just about sex - sex with someone of the same gender. I don’t deny that this is often the outcome of homosexuality in someone’s life. It makes the “condition” (for want of a better term) truly evident for the individual. Nevertheless, both the gay activist and the homosexual overcomer would agree that there is so much more to it than sex.
For me, homosexuality has always been about emotional connection with another guy. I have always longed to connect, and as a kid I struggled to connect in the usual ways. This led to a real deficit in me for masculine connection and identification. The emotional draw was always there for me. I wanted so much for another guy to care about me, and as a young teenager, I longer for a friend who would look out for me and want to spend time with me. Without having the requisite social skills at that age to initiate positive connection, my psyche was driven to envy other guys, and to subsequently evaluate that sex was the only way to gain this connection. This got grounded in over a number of years.
And so, I was ‘homosexual’ even before it was ever about sex. The longing and craving for company and identification is the foundation for the homosexuality in my life. In fact, I rather like that analogy. It is this longing and craving which supports the building that is homosexuality. Over the years, I built upon this foundation, and in effect I built the homosexuality in my life, whether through conscious or unconscious choices. At times I have tried to take the building down brick by brick. But eventually I just rebuild it.
I need to work at the foundation. I need to recognise that I can meet my needs for masculine connection and identification. I have developed good social skills over the years, and I have good friendships with men. I still feel distant to some though, and I need to press through to discover that I am just like them. We are the same. In doing this, the sexual route to connection becomes redundant. My whole being starts to build another building, of true masculinity and strong manhood. No longer does my energy seek to maintain the old building, and it will go to ruin. The new building will grow in beauty, power and formidability (if that’s a word).
So, it’s never been about sex. So, whether you struggle with it or not, recognise the underlying drivers. Don’t devalue me or others by just believing it’s about sex! It truly isn’t.
I found the video above on Youtube. It’s funny. It raises some issues of hypocrisy and irony in the whole “gay gene” debate. It pokes at both sides.
On the “gay gene” issue I believe there to be no proof of a specific gene that determines homosexuality. This is not to say that some genes don’t influence someone to be more likely to end up gay, but no gene determines it. As I’ve stated previously, I believe that many factors - environmental, biological, social, even spiritual - impact on an individual to lead to the development of homosexuality in his/her life.
I just read a news article about a docufilm called “Expelled“. The following is a synopsis of the film: “Expelled” calls attention to the plight of highly credentialed scholars who have been forced out of prestigious academic positions because they proposed Intelligent Design as a possible alternative to Charles Darwin’s 150-year-old theories about the origins of life. Instead of entertaining a debate on the merits of competing theories, the scientific establishment has moved to suppress the ID movement in a “systematic and ruthless” way at odds with America’s founding principles, the film asserts.
The news article I have just read is found here. I find the following comment pertinent:
It is a reality of PC liberalism: There is only one credible side to an issue, and any dissent is not only rejected, it is scorned. Global warming. Gay “rights.” Abortion “rights.” On these and so many other issues there is enlightenment, and then there is the Idiotic Other Side. PC liberalism’s power centers are the news media, the entertainment industry and academia, and all are in the clutches of an unmistakable hypocrisy: Theirs is an ideology that preaches the freedom of thought and expression at every opportunity, yet practices absolute intolerance toward dissension.
I agree that he has picked up a worrying trend in our society - intelligent and informed discussion is pushed aside in favour of political correctness. The gay rights lobby, just like the evolution lobby, rely moreso on sentiment and political correctness than they do on science - BUT, how dare I even suggest such a thing!!
Maybe the evolutionists are right; heck, maybe the gay rights people are right!! But if they are, why are they so afraid of an honest and open discussion?? I look forward to “Expelled”. It opened this past Friday in the USA. Society truly needs to face the reality of this film. It’s not so much about evolution, but about free speech and human rights.
Do you believe in change? Not just change in homosexuality but change in people in general. Can a guy troubled by raging anger gain control of his anger and learn to react differently? Can a person who overeats habitually due to poor self-image and a desire to confort him/herself, gain the confidence required to learn new habits that control his/her weight? Can an excessively shy person who finds it virtually impossible to relate in a group situation learn to push forward and into these social circumstances with confidence and ease?
I believe that our society has little hope for change in people in general. And I am not just talking about change of behaviour, but true change of the heart, of the personality, so that the individual truly experiences liberty in a previous place of bondage.
As a society we need to reclaim our belief in self-mastery (for want of a better term). The individual is not at the mercy of his/her circumstances. He can rise above them and truly claim the life and freedom that is his. The guy with unwanted same sex attraction is no different. Self-mastery is the path that he must walk too, and a long that path he will rediscover himself, and experience the freedom he has longed for.
So, what is homosexuality actually about? One way to consider it is by considering unmet needs. A boy grows up with core needs which need to be met in order for him to develop his personality successfully. Needs such as time, talk, touch, as well as affirmation and direction. When these needs are left unmet in childhood to some extent, the boy may not develop a clear understanding of himself as a boy. He may not feel secure in his gender identity i.e. he can’t say strongly and surely “I am a boy”, as he feels a sense of inferiority to other boys. His maleness has not been fully recognised or affirmed by his primary caregivers, and hence it has not been fully recognised or affirmed by himself.
On reaching puberty, the question that all little boys ask themselves in some way, “Am I good enough to be a man?”, has not been adequately resolved for the boy, or he has concluded that he is not good enough. Nevertheless, his unconscious still seeks to meet his core needs, and he still longs deep within for the maleness that he doesn’t feel a part of. At puberty, this longing and seeking first appears as a desire for connection with boys whom he views as “being good enough”, but with his inability to connect due to his own insecurities, the desire for connection becomes sexualised. This sexualisation of the needs is unconscious, and the boy starts to experience sexual attraction to other guys.
It is at this point, that the boy may start to interpret the sexual feelings through the filter of society, and hence conclude that he is ‘gay’ and always has been, rather than recognising the feelings as the outcome of him not being fully affirmed in his gender identity, as stated above.
The above angle at viewing homosexuality certainly rings true for me, and for many men who I have talked to who have same sex attraction in their lives.
Wikihow deleted my post called “How to Understand Homosexuality”. I posted the content in an earlier post on this blog - see the post here. The argument for deleting the post was that it was considered to be a duplicate topic. The duplicate topics cited were the following:
Personally, I feel that the content of my page was very different to the content posted on the site. I did feel that my article title choice could have been better, as it was similar to the titles above. I suggested that I could change the title to “How to arrive at an informed view of homosexuality”. I received no comment on this solution, and the article was then deleted without me being informed of the final decision.
I haven’t made a big deal about all of this. I suppose I feel that there may be different motivations leading to my article being deleted. I clearly state (see my WikiHow profile) that I believe that homosexuality can be changed, and I wonder if my article was deleted due to this reason.
Anyway, no point crying over spilt milk. I intend to continue to contribute to WikiHow, as I believe it to be a useful resource.
I want to say that it is possible to change. A predominant section of society and culture seeks to repress and deny this truth. I am made to feel shame for believing this. I am ridiculed for stating it, and scoffed at behind my back. But this has similarities to how people treat someone who is outwardly ‘gay’ - they are accepted to their face but looked down on behind their back in many instances. Anyway, truth is still truth even if noone believes it. We live in a democracy, and sometimes we appear to believe in “truth by democracy” i.e. truth is seen to be what most people believe!
So, most people don’t believe that change is possible. So what! I believe it’s possible, and I know many men who testify to change in their lives. These men are counterexamples to the false “truth” of our society, but still society doesn’t listen. Society appears more keen to show ‘easy acceptance’ than to face the challenges of change for the SSA man. Change itself poses questions on society that society doesn’t want to face, such as “How does our society aid the development of homosexuality in someone’s life?” Society prefers to believe a lie than to face up to itself.
But sometimes I’m like that too. I prefer to believe the lies about myself, as it’s easier than the challenge of progress, and the challenge of living as the man that I am. In general, people today don’t believe much in personal progress, in character development. It’s a shame - the world misses out because of this.
But, for all reading this, please don’t miss out. Believe that it is your destiny to progress and develop, whether out of homosexuality and into heterosexuality, or simply progressing as a person in any other way.
People can change - it’s true. Please visit the People Can Change website. It’s an organisation seeking to encourage men on the journey of change - to give them hope and help in finding the freedom they long for. The Journey Into Manhood experiential weekend organised by PCC is fantastic. It’s well worth your time and effort if you are a man struggling with SSA - you will find a group of brothers, encouraging you and supporting you as you become who you truly are.
I had some therapy recently. It used pyschodrama - which in my own words is simply the replaying of traumatic incidents from the past via roleplay in a group situation. I focused on my ties with my mother. In many ways she expected me to be the “good little boy”.
I recalled a situation when I was a boy, when my family visited some friends of my parents in England. The family we visited had a boy, about my age, and two slightly younger girls. I remember wanting to play Star Wars with the little boy, but my brother also wanted to play with him. I said what I wanted, but my mum then stepped in and said, “Luke, play with the little girls.” I complied, even though it hurt greatly.
We recreated the situation. Someone stepped in as my mother. He repeated to me “Play with the little girls… Be a good little boy… Just keep me happy.” Immediately I felt fear and anger. Every time I heard “Play with the little girls” the anger intensified. I was encouraged to do what I hadn’t done as a little boy i.e. let the anger out and direct it rightly at my mother rather than holding it in and directing it at myself. Once I accessed the anger it exploded out of me in waves of tears and pain. I shouted “No, never. I don’t want to,” and a lot worse.
The process was very cathartic for me. Once I pushed through the anger, I felt relief and a sense of joy in my body. I felt that I had regained some of the power that had been taken from me as a little boy.
I truly believe that releasing the emotion of the past is a key aspect of healing homosexuality. Talking therapy has little effect as it does not access the deep emotions that have ground home the negative beliefs. Only in releasing the emotion does someone have the opportunity to make the needed positive beliefs that will change their life.
My name is Luke. I am a regular guy in my 20s. I have struggled with homosexuality since I was 12. I am on a journey of restoration, from homosexuality to heterosexuality.
May 28, 2008 
Posted in Gay Rights Movement, Society 
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